Jew Crew

Not Messing With the Zohan

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 18:23:00 +0000

A fellow blogger asked me the other day why I was ignoring Adam Sandler's new movie. C'mon, an Israeli superhero-turned-hairstylist who can pull off both meanings of the term "razor cut?"

But, eh, the reviews, not so good. Even our people don't love it.

I'd rather read.

Chutzpah for Chutzpah?

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Thu, 29 May 2008 18:15:00 +0000

From the West Australian:

An Israeli tourist tired of wolf whistles from road workers in New Zealand stripped off her clothes in a show of defiance, police say.

The woman was about to use an ATM in the main street of Kerikeri, in the far north of the country, when the men whistled, the New Zealand Press Association reported.

She calmly stripped off, then used the cash machine, before getting dressed and walking away.

The woman told police she did not take too kindly to the whistling from the men repairing the road.

"She said she had thought 'bugger them, I'll show them what I've got'," Police Sergeant Peter Masters told NZPA.

"She gave the explanation that she had been ... pestered by New Zealand men. She's not an unattractive looking lady," Masters said. "She was taken back to the police station and spoken to and told that was inappropriate in New Zealand."

Would this be appropriate in Israel, then? What do the locals do if someone grabasses them on Beb Yehuda - perform a pole dance routine?

Not sure how I feel about this meshuggeneh woman. I'm all for giving the finger - or picking one's nose - in response to catcalls and wolfwhistles, but isn't giving stupid horny men what they actually wanted (and never dreamed they were gonna get) only going to encourage them?

Semantics, Shemantics: A Vagina Monologue

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 16:42:00 +0000

With all the talk about vaginas lately, I've been wondering about the ubiquity of the term "douchebag." It seems that it's currently the favored perjorative to describe a person with negative qualties, "specifically arrogance and malice," according to Wikipedia; a gentler, less-censorable version of "a**hole," if you will. I've finally gotten used to hearing men who are not in prison call each other "bitch," but could there be something vaguely sexist about speaking in a derogatory way about a tool used to wash the sacred vajayjay?

What I find interesting about this is that most of the people I hear using "douchebag" on a regular basis have no idea what a douchebag actually is - they know that it's vaguely associated with cleansing the lady parts, but no one I interviewed had actually ever seen one with his/her own eyes (if shouting across a crowded bar "Hey, douchebag, do you even know what a douchebag even is?" can be construed as an interview.)

I dimly remember a yellow balloony thing with a hose attached that lived under the sink in my mother's bathroom in my very early years, but it could have been part of the 70s plumbing. Certainly all of us of a certain age recall those Massengill commericials featuring a woman frolicking through a field of flowers touting relief from that "not so fresh feeling," but I'm pretty sure that modern product doesn't contain an actual BAG. And while you can still buy disposable douches, it is fairly impossible to buy a douchebag (although it's easy to find out what only douchebags buy.)

And who douches, anyway? Research shows that women who douche run a higher risk of vaginal irritation and infection, and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists suggests women steer clear of the practice altogether - relegating douching to the category of things women thought were good for them but later proved otherwise, such as foot-binding, Phen-Fen and Dr. Phil.

So I guess in that context, "douchebag" makes feminist sense.

And "prostate catheter" really doesn't have the same ring.

The Latest Celebrity Kabbalah Trend?

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:09:00 +0000

Christina Aguliera's in-laws must have been quite ecstatic that the platininum blond crooner - raised Catholic - was 100% behind her son's bris, but maybe notsomuch about the party decorations:

She and her husband Jordan Bratman invited friends and family over to welcome their baby Max Liron into the Jewish convenant on Jan. 20, with requisite spread of bagels, lox and ... penis balloons.

That's right, penis balloons. And yes, you can click to enlarge the photo.

Totally Gratuitous 7-minute Vid of Hot Israeli Models

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 15:31:00 +0000

Lots of super sexy Semites of both genders to satiate your eye candy appetite. Silly and superficial, I know, but I just looked at the last couple of posts and I've had enough of nebbishy old men.

Kosher-for-Passover Coke Confusion

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 17:07:00 +0000

Dear loyal reader and fellow Southerner Pelinke has requested if I might could hook him up with some Pesach-friendly Coca-cola, to which I say, "dude, whaddya think this is, Yenta-Eleven?" (Heheheheh. Please forgive me, I am not well.)

Many of you halachically-minded folks already know that most soda isn't kosher for Passover, as it contains high fructose corn syrup, which in addition to possibly being one of the greatest dietary evils in history, is manufactured from corn, a no-no for observant Askenazim during Pesach.

Now, being the clueless, winging-it-as-I-go Jew that I am, I started wondering, corn isn't chametz (defined in Exodus as any of the five particular grains wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye,) so why is HFCS a Jewish problem? (It's certainly an American problem, since it may be making us all fat.)

It turns out corn is included in a whole other food category called kitniyot, deemed unkosher for Pesach by 13th-century sage Rabbi Moshe of Kouchi (also known as "The Smak," a nickname that conjures up a professional wrestler with a tallis cape and flying peyos capable of shredding any opponent, but I digress.) Kitniyot includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds, some of which can be made into flour and therefore confused with a food made from the five forbidden grains. So Polish rabbi Moshe Isserlis (known as the "The Ramah," which sounds like a perfect pet name for a rabbi) banned it all in the 16th century to protect anyone from any possibility of consuming the actual verboten shtuff. As this only applies to the Ashkenazic branch of the family tree, Sephardic Jews have no such blanket ban. (Read more about the differences between Askenazic and Sephardic Pesach rituals here.)

Because I didn't grow up observing such strict laws (when Passover came, we threw out the bagels for a week, 'nuff said) it's unlikely that I would incorporate the kitniyot avoidance into my Passover plans anytime soon (I make a mean green bean casserole for seder, yo.) It just seems subjective to me that my kid can't eat peas because a long time ago a rabbi didn't trust his flock to figure it out for themselves; I've never been so good at accepting "because I said so" as a reason for anything. I struggle with the kosher laws frequently — I recently questioned why chicken is considered fleishig and shouldn't be consumed with dairy, since I'm quite certain that chickens don't lactate. The answer I got was because the rabbis thought it might be mistaken for meat, so it was lumped into the meat category to protect us from making a bad decision. Rather than inspiring me to become more kosher (I don't eat piggies and separate milk and meat at home) it made me wonder how much of the observances I feel guilty about not keeping are interpretations (wise be they may) rather than actually handed down directly from Up High. With all due respect to those who do keep kosher (you know I admire you) and the rabbis who wrote the laws, it's not happening for me on the soul level. Not givin' up the peanut butter n' jelly matzah sammiches. Whoever heard of peanut flour anyway? I have a headache.

The point I'm attempting to make is that Kosher-for-Passover Coca-cola is made with actual sugar, not HCFS, and is therefore fine for those on the kitniyot train, but it's wicked hard to find if you're not in New York or Israel. But here's a tip Pelinke: Try shopping at a Mexican market or restaurant for Coke bottled south of the border, where they don't use the evil corn sweetener. The writing may be Spanish instead of Hebrew, but it's the real thing.

Me, I don't drink so much of the Coca, anyway. Unless it's got a splash or two of rum. Which, being made from sugar cane, appears to be perfectly kosher for Pesach.

Keep your daughter from playing with little whores

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 16:13:00 +0000

There's a new doll in town, and she's modest, intelligent and doesn't dress like your mom a skanky Mission tranny with rabies.

Gali Girls are Jewish, ya see, and represent the kind of values Jewish parents can get behind, like kindness, respect and tzedakeh. As opposed to other dolls found in today's toyboxes, which may (or, may not) lead to eating disorders, an affinity for cocaine and a stripping career.

Each Gali Girl comes with a Magen David bracelet for herself and her new owner and a 12-piece wooden Shabbat kit (instead of say, a mini-syringe and spoon) and there's a line of corresponding books that showcase wholesome and appropriate adventures. The only drawback to these shaynah maideles is that they're about three times as expensive as their slutty counterparts � but ya get what ya pay for, nu?

For a fabulous introduction to these little darlings, check out Shabot6000's animated ad � it's clever and cute without being cloying, as a nice Jewish girl should be. (I just noticed the Robot has linked to the Yenta � I'm quite honored.)

By My Bedside

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 16:31:00 +0000

You're probably thinking from the title that this is another sex toy post, but I'm talking about books, guttermuffin. It's Jewish Book Month, peeps!

While I've yet to read any of the following new publications, but I promise longer reviews if the author's publicists do their job and send me free copies:

J. weekly reporter Rachel Sarah has finally given birth to her memoir, Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates and Other Dispatches from the Dating World, and I'm damn excited about it. Rachel is preternaturally prolific for a motherwriter with her j. columns, her blog, her other postings all over the Web and now this book. Plus, she's one hot mama. Any Jewish single dads need reading material?

For those of us who prefer more pictures on the page, The Adventures of Rabbi Harvey by Steve Sheinkin promises to be a standout in the Jewish Western graphic novel genre. Told in comic strip format and deadpan one-liners, Rabbi Harvey tames the Wild West with Talmudic wisdom and lovingkindness. It's appropriate for all ages, and is available with a teacher's guide.

Then there's Jonny Geller's Yes, But Is It Good For The Jews?, a tongue-in-cheek tour of Jewish history and culture using a cockamamie mathematical formula called "Judology." Being only a basic bank-balancing math person myself, I'll have to do some studying to catch up. But like I trust the ancient rabbis to interpret for me, I'll take Geller's word that Prince Harry is not good for the Jews.

And while I never thought organ donation could be romantic, it looks like Joan Saltzman may change all that. Her book, Mr. Right and My Left Kidney, chronicles her path to late-in-life love and the sacrifice she made to keep it alive. Talk about being a "giver" in a relationship!

This week's feature on Jewish books from the j. proves I won't be the only one with a huge stack next to the bed this winter. Sorry, El Yenta Man � no time for nookie, it's bookworm season!

British Women Think David Schwimmer Is One Sexy Jew

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Tue, 16 May 2006 15:35:00 +0000

...which elicited a sonorous "Ewwww!" from all the single women in the j. newsroom.

Rachel F. was particularly upset: "I don't care how nice he is! He's just not cute."

He's never done much for me, either � he always seems so needy, like the kind of guy who asks if his hair looks okay twenty times before he can go get a cup of coffee and who has more shoes than you � but compared to the rest of the guys on the list of Jewish celebs that British Jews would most like to date (with the exception of Sacha Baron Cohen), he's a sexpot. Woody Allen?? Paul Kaye?? Yo, ladies across the pond, what are you putting in your tea?

At least the men voted for some hotties, including Rachel Stevens and Caprice Bourret. And it's fabulous that Jewish mothers Gwyneth Paltrow and Rachel Weisz are objects of British male affection, but really fellows, they are married.

Hell, If It Weren't for the Stretchmarks, I'd Consider It

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Wed, 03 May 2006 15:43:00 +0000

Cindy Margolis, the self-proclaimed "Most Downloaded Woman On the Internet" (I'm sure her mother is very proud), has announced her latest gig: posing nude in Playboy at the age of 40.

Whereas displaying her wares in the glossy men's magazine "would have been for gratuitous reasons" in the past, now is the perfect time for Cindy to get nakey: "It will be fun to go up against the 20-year-olds and show them that they don't have anything on me," she said.

She adds: "You're not dead just because you are married and have children." Huzzah, sista.

Now, I'm not a fan of nudie mags or of Cindy's (as I am unclear as to what her actual talents are � celebrity poker and cooking shows aside) but I like her spunk. There aren't many models (would you believe there's a wikipedia entry for Jewish American models?) who can push their career past 21, and any woman with three kids who can work it for Playboy ought to be lauded.

Sure, it's all about airbrushing and good plastic surgery. That's right � Cindy wasn't always the blonde, tiny-nosed bombshell you see before you; she was once just another Jewish girl trying to stand out in L.A.

Personally, I think she was cuter before her nose job, although the eyebrow-scaping is definitely a good call.

Not your typical Jewish Supermodel

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 19:37:00 +0000

Gorgeous Esti Mamo has more than enviable bone structure and amazing gams — she's got a social conscience. And she's gonna use it.

The 23-year-old Israeli is originally from Ethiopia and is using her fame and fortune to bring attention to the alienation many of her fellow Falash Mura feel upon immigrating to Israel.

From Loolwa Khazzoom's article:

Israeli officials acknowledge that Ethiopian immigrants have not integrated as quickly as other communities, blaming it on the cultural gap that these newcomers, who often come from poor villages in Africa, face in dealing with established Israeli society. Poverty, drug abuse and violence have stalked the Ethiopian immigrant community — because the community feels degraded in Israel, Mamo says.

She is unarguably the first Ethiopian Israeli supermodel, and says she tries to educate everyone she meets about her culture and people. Not only that, she may be responsible for the recent increase of modeling work for Israeli women of color.

And unlike other models, she has a plan for after the photography shoots, runway shows and fabulous parties come to an end and the crow's feet begin to show: “I’ll come back to Israel and run for Knesset.”

View Esti's portfolio here, but no slobbering, hear? Esti's a good girl.

Jack's Black Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 16:36:00 +0000

Spazalicious Jew Jack Black is likely enjoying the massive success of King Kong, but apparently had a hard time keeping control of himself while filming:

"There was a lost weekend where I had a little time off and I did some Ecstasy and I went on a kind of crazy rampage and I started smoking (again)," he told GQ magazine this month.

The article reports that Black has since quit the smokes and is on a "strict diet," which presumably does not include Ecstasy.

(As for the gorilla flick, also starring supersexy Adrian Brody in the leading man role: Haven't seen it 'cause the local movie theater's under water, but I heard it's killer. Anyone care to write a mini-review in the comments section?)

Not-So-Nice Jewish Girl Raises Stud Farm

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:30:00 +0000

Actually, she's hiring, maybe some of you fellows want to submit a resume?

Former Hollywood madam and every Jewish mother's nightmare Heidi Fleiss has taken her pimpin' ways to the desert outside Vegas, where she is currently staffing an all-male brothel strictly for the ladies (which says something about feminism and the evolution of gender roles in this culture, but hell, I'm no social scientist.)

Not only that, but HBO will film a documentary early next year (which says something about this culture's thirst for perversion and cheap vicarious thrills, but hell, I don't even have cable.)

No, there's barely any Jewish connection here, since Fleiss herself admits to being raised in an "affluent, non-religious" home, but there's something about Heidi's gummy mug makes me want to root for her � girl, go rock the male whore biz! � because with all her money she still hasn't found the right periodontist. I mean, the woman's obviously found her niche in high-end sex trafficking and an all-boy whorehouse is a new sensation � maybe I'm a little bit proud a Jewish girl got there first.

Finally, A Chanukah Card For the Shoe Sluts

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Mon, 14 Nov 2005 16:45:00 +0000

As the superfantastic shoe blogger The Manolo might say, Aaay! These cards are so much more Jewishly clever and less of the money than actual shoes.

Believe me, your mother would be delighted to get any kind of card from you at all. From ChosenCouture, dahlink.

A Jewish Joke That Actually Made Me Laugh

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Tue, 01 Nov 2005 16:37:00 +0000

Again, nothing fancy, but a maybe a chuckle for you, kinder:

So a popular young rabbi announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda minivan to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, in her 80s, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!"

There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies "Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said, "F*ck the rabbi.'"

Dem Funny Bones

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Fri, 28 Oct 2005 16:58:00 +0000

From the new-and-improved Dry Bones blog, cracking up Jews since 1974.

(Just in case you've been sleeping, the president of Iran hates you. And yer mom.)

Shabbat Shalom and merry pre-Halloween...

Disengagement Is Hell On The Libido

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Wed, 10 Aug 2005 15:38:00 +0000

Esconced as we are out here on the Left Coast, intensity happening in the Holy Land is only now making its way into our daily consciousness. And it keeps getting tenser, folks...since both blue and orange are our favorite colors, we can only pray for compassion and mercy on both sides on Disengagement Day.

Speaking of the pullout, we happened upon this article about the pros and cons of morning sex.

Personally, we fall in with the women, but our opinion doesn't matter to our partner when we're sleeping.

Porn Star Advocates Abstinence For Pets

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Tue, 29 Mar 2005 16:39:00 +0000

Jewish adult film icon Ron Jeremy rarely says no to sex, except when it comes to animals. Oh, it ain't like that the hirsute studmuffin is PETA's latest spokesmodel for spaying and neutering dogs and cats. Check out the full-size ad it's a real treat.
(c/o Yada blog.)

Nat Apologizes For Kotel Kiss

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Thu, 03 Mar 2005 16:39:00 +0000

After being chased by a mob of p.o.'d worshippers after filming a sexy kiss near the Western Wall and then losing the Best Supporting Actress award to Cate Blanchette, Natalie Portman had a pretty bad week. She was ever so humble in apologizing for the tonsil-licking debacle, saying

Back On Our Side

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Tue, 25 Jan 2005 16:40:00 +0000

Fallen porn king Al Goldstein was so down and out less than a year ago that he turned to Jesus. But Reuters reports that he's got a new job hawking bagels and white fish to all God's children:
I've always loved food more than sex, so this is really my first love," said Goldstein, 69, now a cold-calling salesman for New York City Bagels. "I've gone from broads to bagels.
The article reveals that the person who helped get Goldstein off the street is none other than magician Penn Jillette and in spite of alienating anyone he's ever worked with, sired or spoken to, Goldstein just keeps on generating "poor me" press. Although a little digging reveals that he's still the same lecherous cretin.

We'd Study Kabbalah, But We're Busy Doing This

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Wed, 01 Dec 2004 16:40:00 +0000

Madonna is p.o.'d that the press keeps bagging on Kabbalah, urging naysayers to do their research before dissing on the faddish heights of her new "religion."
Says Queen Quasi-Jew: "If they did that, then they'd have a completely different view. I wonder if they'd be less irritated if I was studying existentialism. Maybe they would."
Of course, because existentialism and that whole "G-d is dead" pile of nonsense is just soo unsexy; but why IS everyone on her case? Even though we think the Kabbalah Center has turned a complex ancient wisdom into a farcical self-help empire, there must be a seed of truth in there somewhere. And it doesn't hurt the Jewish population of the world to have hordes of gentile seekers coming to learn about a previously veiled part of Judaism that has made its way into the mainstream. Perhaps the press and the bloggers help cheapen Kabbalah by reducing it to red strings and high-priced healing water instead of examining the material.
But, durn, that sounds boring. Go out and recruit some more celebrity skanks for us, Madge!

Professor Simmons To Teach His Trade

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Mon, 29 Nov 2004 16:46:00 +0000

Jewish rock icon and anti-role model Gene Simmons has signed on to teach a lucky group of innocent youngsters the ins and outs of rock n' roll history, song composition and the art of performance in a new British reality show called "Rock School." If this show is going to be of any use to these kids or its viewers, he'd better include onstage debauchery, backstage groupie ettiquette and how to bite the heads off rodents in the curriculum.
c/o our British brethren at Daily Jews.

B.J.s At the Back of Bus, No Big Deal?

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Thu, 23 Sep 2004 15:42:00 +0000

We came across a most disturbing article in the Jewish feminist magazine Lilith about the social epidemic of girls as young as 12 giving blow-jobs in return for popularity. "Oral sex is so common now, people don't even think of it as bad anymore," says one 13 year-old. "It's cool if you do it." And they're doing it- at school, at the back of the bus ("I was bored"), even at bar and bat mitzvah parties. It's all one-way- that is, girls on guys- so the slut stigma doesn't apply since the girls keep their pants on. Some parents not only know about it, but condone this, arguing that everyone's still a virgin, so no harm done, right?
Um, we hate to sound like prudes here, but a lot has changed in the 20 years since our bar/bat mitzvah season. First of all, if any girl stuck a penis in her mouth back then, she'd be vilified as the skank she was. Second, even though this the traditional age of adulthood for Jews, aren't these junior high students (who dress like porn fantasies in their teeny tops and platform shoes) still (at least partly) children? We know that movies like Thirteen and other exposes about the secret life of teens are just telling it like it us, but we can't help thinking this is so icky. 13, dude! Too young! Guess that means we're old.
Although the full article in not online yet, you can order a back issue here.

We Just Think It's Funny Now

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Mon, 06 Sep 2004 15:29:00 +0000

Though most Jewish blogs despise the marketing meshugganahs of the Kabbalah Center for their watered-down, milquetoast-y version of Jewish mysticism with a venom that could give you an ulcer, we just can't get worked up about it, it being a free country and all. The Bergs have twisted their version of Judaism into a tidy revenue source for themselves, how can you begrudge that? (Besides, we'll admit it. We love the celebrity trash factor.) Jay Michaelson takes a sage look at what the Kabbalah Center actually teaches in this week's Forward, giving it an attempt at a fair shake: "at least the Kabbalah Centre is selling superficial spirituality; sometimes I feel like the mainstream Jewish community is just pushing bagels."
In other news of concern to shallow fame whores, uber-skank Paris Hilton has returned to the fold since dumping Plastic Ken Doll Nick Carter (or maybe it was him who called her a psycho nympho) saying that she coped by going straight to the Kabbalah Center in L.A., gabbing with everyone about the break-up and buying herself a dandy new red string bracelet.
It's pretty obvious from the people who frequent the Kabbalah Center that there is no threat to actual Jewish life. Why all the hatred?

Ali G (Borat) Video Controversy

noreply@blogger.com (JewCrew) — Thu, 26 Aug 2004 18:21:00 +0000

We here at Jmerica are HUGE fans of HBO's Da Ali G Show. Somehow, we missed the episode where this song aired, but we read about it on Jewschool, which posted the video. It depicts the star of the show, Sacha Baron Cohen (MOT), as Borat, a Kazakhstani tv host. Borat goes to a redneck bar and sings a song called "My Country Has a Problem". The refrain is "Throw the Jew down the well, so my country can be free." Sadly, the rednecks sing along with enthusiasm.

This is an amazing piece of social commentary that is both hilarious AND disturbing. It has raised a letter of protest by the ADL who fear that the irony will be lost on some people and they will just think it's a great song.

It sure makes for some great debate...