Not Messing With the Zohan

A fellow blogger asked me the other day why I was ignoring Adam Sandler's new movie. C'mon, an Israeli superhero-turned-hairstylist who can pull off both meanings of the term "razor cut?"

But, eh, the reviews, not so good. Even our people don't love it.

I'd rather read.

The Latest Celebrity Kabbalah Trend?

Christina Aguliera's in-laws must have been quite ecstatic that the platininum blond crooner - raised Catholic - was 100% behind her son's bris, but maybe notsomuch about the party decorations:

She and her husband Jordan Bratman invited friends and family over to welcome their baby Max Liron into the Jewish convenant on Jan. 20, with requisite spread of bagels, lox and ... penis balloons.

That's right, penis balloons. And yes, you can click to enlarge the photo.

Totally Gratuitous 7-minute Vid of Hot Israeli Models

Lots of super sexy Semites of both genders to satiate your eye candy appetite. Silly and superficial, I know, but I just looked at the last couple of posts and I've had enough of nebbishy old men.

Keep your daughter from playing with little whores

There's a new doll in town, and she's modest, intelligent and doesn't dress like your mom a skanky Mission tranny with rabies.

Gali Girls are Jewish, ya see, and represent the kind of values Jewish parents can get behind, like kindness, respect and tzedakeh. As opposed to other dolls found in today's toyboxes, which may (or, may not) lead to eating disorders, an affinity for cocaine and a stripping career.

Each Gali Girl comes with a Magen David bracelet for herself and her new owner and a 12-piece wooden Shabbat kit (instead of say, a mini-syringe and spoon) and there's a line of corresponding books that showcase wholesome and appropriate adventures. The only drawback to these shaynah maideles is that they're about three times as expensive as their slutty counterparts � but ya get what ya pay for, nu?

For a fabulous introduction to these little darlings, check out Shabot6000's animated ad � it's clever and cute without being cloying, as a nice Jewish girl should be. (I just noticed the Robot has linked to the Yenta � I'm quite honored.)

British Women Think David Schwimmer Is One Sexy Jew

...which elicited a sonorous "Ewwww!" from all the single women in the j. newsroom.

Rachel F. was particularly upset: "I don't care how nice he is! He's just not cute."

He's never done much for me, either � he always seems so needy, like the kind of guy who asks if his hair looks okay twenty times before he can go get a cup of coffee and who has more shoes than you � but compared to the rest of the guys on the list of Jewish celebs that British Jews would most like to date (with the exception of Sacha Baron Cohen), he's a sexpot. Woody Allen?? Paul Kaye?? Yo, ladies across the pond, what are you putting in your tea?

At least the men voted for some hotties, including Rachel Stevens and Caprice Bourret. And it's fabulous that Jewish mothers Gwyneth Paltrow and Rachel Weisz are objects of British male affection, but really fellows, they are married.

Hell, If It Weren't for the Stretchmarks, I'd Consider It

Cindy Margolis, the self-proclaimed "Most Downloaded Woman On the Internet" (I'm sure her mother is very proud), has announced her latest gig: posing nude in Playboy at the age of 40.

Whereas displaying her wares in the glossy men's magazine "would have been for gratuitous reasons" in the past, now is the perfect time for Cindy to get nakey: "It will be fun to go up against the 20-year-olds and show them that they don't have anything on me," she said.

She adds: "You're not dead just because you are married and have children." Huzzah, sista.

Now, I'm not a fan of nudie mags or of Cindy's (as I am unclear as to what her actual talents are � celebrity poker and cooking shows aside) but I like her spunk. There aren't many models (would you believe there's a wikipedia entry for Jewish American models?) who can push their career past 21, and any woman with three kids who can work it for Playboy ought to be lauded.

Sure, it's all about airbrushing and good plastic surgery. That's right � Cindy wasn't always the blonde, tiny-nosed bombshell you see before you; she was once just another Jewish girl trying to stand out in L.A.

Personally, I think she was cuter before her nose job, although the eyebrow-scaping is definitely a good call.

Not your typical Jewish Supermodel

Gorgeous Esti Mamo has more than enviable bone structure and amazing gams — she's got a social conscience. And she's gonna use it.

The 23-year-old Israeli is originally from Ethiopia and is using her fame and fortune to bring attention to the alienation many of her fellow Falash Mura feel upon immigrating to Israel.

From Loolwa Khazzoom's article:

Israeli officials acknowledge that Ethiopian immigrants have not integrated as quickly as other communities, blaming it on the cultural gap that these newcomers, who often come from poor villages in Africa, face in dealing with established Israeli society. Poverty, drug abuse and violence have stalked the Ethiopian immigrant community — because the community feels degraded in Israel, Mamo says.

She is unarguably the first Ethiopian Israeli supermodel, and says she tries to educate everyone she meets about her culture and people. Not only that, she may be responsible for the recent increase of modeling work for Israeli women of color.

And unlike other models, she has a plan for after the photography shoots, runway shows and fabulous parties come to an end and the crow's feet begin to show: “I’ll come back to Israel and run for Knesset.”

View Esti's portfolio here, but no slobbering, hear? Esti's a good girl.

Jack's Black Weekend

Spazalicious Jew Jack Black is likely enjoying the massive success of King Kong, but apparently had a hard time keeping control of himself while filming:

"There was a lost weekend where I had a little time off and I did some Ecstasy and I went on a kind of crazy rampage and I started smoking (again)," he told GQ magazine this month.

The article reports that Black has since quit the smokes and is on a "strict diet," which presumably does not include Ecstasy.

(As for the gorilla flick, also starring supersexy Adrian Brody in the leading man role: Haven't seen it 'cause the local movie theater's under water, but I heard it's killer. Anyone care to write a mini-review in the comments section?)

Not-So-Nice Jewish Girl Raises Stud Farm

Actually, she's hiring, maybe some of you fellows want to submit a resume?

Former Hollywood madam and every Jewish mother's nightmare Heidi Fleiss has taken her pimpin' ways to the desert outside Vegas, where she is currently staffing an all-male brothel strictly for the ladies (which says something about feminism and the evolution of gender roles in this culture, but hell, I'm no social scientist.)

Not only that, but HBO will film a documentary early next year (which says something about this culture's thirst for perversion and cheap vicarious thrills, but hell, I don't even have cable.)

No, there's barely any Jewish connection here, since Fleiss herself admits to being raised in an "affluent, non-religious" home, but there's something about Heidi's gummy mug makes me want to root for her � girl, go rock the male whore biz! � because with all her money she still hasn't found the right periodontist. I mean, the woman's obviously found her niche in high-end sex trafficking and an all-boy whorehouse is a new sensation � maybe I'm a little bit proud a Jewish girl got there first.

Finally, A Chanukah Card For the Shoe Sluts

As the superfantastic shoe blogger The Manolo might say, Aaay! These cards are so much more Jewishly clever and less of the money than actual shoes.

Believe me, your mother would be delighted to get any kind of card from you at all. From ChosenCouture, dahlink.

Ali G (Borat) Video Controversy

We here at Jmerica are HUGE fans of HBO's Da Ali G Show. Somehow, we missed the episode where this song aired, but we read about it on Jewschool, which posted the video. It depicts the star of the show, Sacha Baron Cohen (MOT), as Borat, a Kazakhstani tv host. Borat goes to a redneck bar and sings a song called "My Country Has a Problem". The refrain is "Throw the Jew down the well, so my country can be free." Sadly, the rednecks sing along with enthusiasm.

This is an amazing piece of social commentary that is both hilarious AND disturbing. It has raised a letter of protest by the ADL who fear that the irony will be lost on some people and they will just think it's a great song.

It sure makes for some great debate...