Not Messing With the Zohan

A fellow blogger asked me the other day why I was ignoring Adam Sandler's new movie. C'mon, an Israeli superhero-turned-hairstylist who can pull off both meanings of the term "razor cut?"

But, eh, the reviews, not so good. Even our people don't love it.

I'd rather read.

British Women Think David Schwimmer Is One Sexy Jew

...which elicited a sonorous "Ewwww!" from all the single women in the j. newsroom.

Rachel F. was particularly upset: "I don't care how nice he is! He's just not cute."

He's never done much for me, either � he always seems so needy, like the kind of guy who asks if his hair looks okay twenty times before he can go get a cup of coffee and who has more shoes than you � but compared to the rest of the guys on the list of Jewish celebs that British Jews would most like to date (with the exception of Sacha Baron Cohen), he's a sexpot. Woody Allen?? Paul Kaye?? Yo, ladies across the pond, what are you putting in your tea?

At least the men voted for some hotties, including Rachel Stevens and Caprice Bourret. And it's fabulous that Jewish mothers Gwyneth Paltrow and Rachel Weisz are objects of British male affection, but really fellows, they are married.

Hell, If It Weren't for the Stretchmarks, I'd Consider It

Cindy Margolis, the self-proclaimed "Most Downloaded Woman On the Internet" (I'm sure her mother is very proud), has announced her latest gig: posing nude in Playboy at the age of 40.

Whereas displaying her wares in the glossy men's magazine "would have been for gratuitous reasons" in the past, now is the perfect time for Cindy to get nakey: "It will be fun to go up against the 20-year-olds and show them that they don't have anything on me," she said.

She adds: "You're not dead just because you are married and have children." Huzzah, sista.

Now, I'm not a fan of nudie mags or of Cindy's (as I am unclear as to what her actual talents are � celebrity poker and cooking shows aside) but I like her spunk. There aren't many models (would you believe there's a wikipedia entry for Jewish American models?) who can push their career past 21, and any woman with three kids who can work it for Playboy ought to be lauded.

Sure, it's all about airbrushing and good plastic surgery. That's right � Cindy wasn't always the blonde, tiny-nosed bombshell you see before you; she was once just another Jewish girl trying to stand out in L.A.

Personally, I think she was cuter before her nose job, although the eyebrow-scaping is definitely a good call.

Jack's Black Weekend

Spazalicious Jew Jack Black is likely enjoying the massive success of King Kong, but apparently had a hard time keeping control of himself while filming:

"There was a lost weekend where I had a little time off and I did some Ecstasy and I went on a kind of crazy rampage and I started smoking (again)," he told GQ magazine this month.

The article reports that Black has since quit the smokes and is on a "strict diet," which presumably does not include Ecstasy.

(As for the gorilla flick, also starring supersexy Adrian Brody in the leading man role: Haven't seen it 'cause the local movie theater's under water, but I heard it's killer. Anyone care to write a mini-review in the comments section?)

Not-So-Nice Jewish Girl Raises Stud Farm

Actually, she's hiring, maybe some of you fellows want to submit a resume?

Former Hollywood madam and every Jewish mother's nightmare Heidi Fleiss has taken her pimpin' ways to the desert outside Vegas, where she is currently staffing an all-male brothel strictly for the ladies (which says something about feminism and the evolution of gender roles in this culture, but hell, I'm no social scientist.)

Not only that, but HBO will film a documentary early next year (which says something about this culture's thirst for perversion and cheap vicarious thrills, but hell, I don't even have cable.)

No, there's barely any Jewish connection here, since Fleiss herself admits to being raised in an "affluent, non-religious" home, but there's something about Heidi's gummy mug makes me want to root for her � girl, go rock the male whore biz! � because with all her money she still hasn't found the right periodontist. I mean, the woman's obviously found her niche in high-end sex trafficking and an all-boy whorehouse is a new sensation � maybe I'm a little bit proud a Jewish girl got there first.