Not Messing With the Zohan

A fellow blogger asked me the other day why I was ignoring Adam Sandler's new movie. C'mon, an Israeli superhero-turned-hairstylist who can pull off both meanings of the term "razor cut?"

But, eh, the reviews, not so good. Even our people don't love it.

I'd rather read.

Chutzpah for Chutzpah?

From the West Australian:

An Israeli tourist tired of wolf whistles from road workers in New Zealand stripped off her clothes in a show of defiance, police say.

The woman was about to use an ATM in the main street of Kerikeri, in the far north of the country, when the men whistled, the New Zealand Press Association reported.

She calmly stripped off, then used the cash machine, before getting dressed and walking away.

The woman told police she did not take too kindly to the whistling from the men repairing the road.

"She said she had thought 'bugger them, I'll show them what I've got'," Police Sergeant Peter Masters told NZPA.

"She gave the explanation that she had been ... pestered by New Zealand men. She's not an unattractive looking lady," Masters said. "She was taken back to the police station and spoken to and told that was inappropriate in New Zealand."

Would this be appropriate in Israel, then? What do the locals do if someone grabasses them on Beb Yehuda - perform a pole dance routine?

Not sure how I feel about this meshuggeneh woman. I'm all for giving the finger - or picking one's nose - in response to catcalls and wolfwhistles, but isn't giving stupid horny men what they actually wanted (and never dreamed they were gonna get) only going to encourage them?

Semantics, Shemantics: A Vagina Monologue

With all the talk about vaginas lately, I've been wondering about the ubiquity of the term "douchebag." It seems that it's currently the favored perjorative to describe a person with negative qualties, "specifically arrogance and malice," according to Wikipedia; a gentler, less-censorable version of "a**hole," if you will. I've finally gotten used to hearing men who are not in prison call each other "bitch," but could there be something vaguely sexist about speaking in a derogatory way about a tool used to wash the sacred vajayjay?

What I find interesting about this is that most of the people I hear using "douchebag" on a regular basis have no idea what a douchebag actually is - they know that it's vaguely associated with cleansing the lady parts, but no one I interviewed had actually ever seen one with his/her own eyes (if shouting across a crowded bar "Hey, douchebag, do you even know what a douchebag even is?" can be construed as an interview.)

I dimly remember a yellow balloony thing with a hose attached that lived under the sink in my mother's bathroom in my very early years, but it could have been part of the 70s plumbing. Certainly all of us of a certain age recall those Massengill commericials featuring a woman frolicking through a field of flowers touting relief from that "not so fresh feeling," but I'm pretty sure that modern product doesn't contain an actual BAG. And while you can still buy disposable douches, it is fairly impossible to buy a douchebag (although it's easy to find out what only douchebags buy.)

And who douches, anyway? Research shows that women who douche run a higher risk of vaginal irritation and infection, and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists suggests women steer clear of the practice altogether - relegating douching to the category of things women thought were good for them but later proved otherwise, such as foot-binding, Phen-Fen and Dr. Phil.

So I guess in that context, "douchebag" makes feminist sense.

And "prostate catheter" really doesn't have the same ring.

The Latest Celebrity Kabbalah Trend?

Christina Aguliera's in-laws must have been quite ecstatic that the platininum blond crooner - raised Catholic - was 100% behind her son's bris, but maybe notsomuch about the party decorations:

She and her husband Jordan Bratman invited friends and family over to welcome their baby Max Liron into the Jewish convenant on Jan. 20, with requisite spread of bagels, lox and ... penis balloons.

That's right, penis balloons. And yes, you can click to enlarge the photo.

Totally Gratuitous 7-minute Vid of Hot Israeli Models

Lots of super sexy Semites of both genders to satiate your eye candy appetite. Silly and superficial, I know, but I just looked at the last couple of posts and I've had enough of nebbishy old men.

Kosher-for-Passover Coke Confusion

Dear loyal reader and fellow Southerner Pelinke has requested if I might could hook him up with some Pesach-friendly Coca-cola, to which I say, "dude, whaddya think this is, Yenta-Eleven?" (Heheheheh. Please forgive me, I am not well.)

Many of you halachically-minded folks already know that most soda isn't kosher for Passover, as it contains high fructose corn syrup, which in addition to possibly being one of the greatest dietary evils in history, is manufactured from corn, a no-no for observant Askenazim during Pesach.

Now, being the clueless, winging-it-as-I-go Jew that I am, I started wondering, corn isn't chametz (defined in Exodus as any of the five particular grains wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye,) so why is HFCS a Jewish problem? (It's certainly an American problem, since it may be making us all fat.)

It turns out corn is included in a whole other food category called kitniyot, deemed unkosher for Pesach by 13th-century sage Rabbi Moshe of Kouchi (also known as "The Smak," a nickname that conjures up a professional wrestler with a tallis cape and flying peyos capable of shredding any opponent, but I digress.) Kitniyot includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds, some of which can be made into flour and therefore confused with a food made from the five forbidden grains. So Polish rabbi Moshe Isserlis (known as the "The Ramah," which sounds like a perfect pet name for a rabbi) banned it all in the 16th century to protect anyone from any possibility of consuming the actual verboten shtuff. As this only applies to the Ashkenazic branch of the family tree, Sephardic Jews have no such blanket ban. (Read more about the differences between Askenazic and Sephardic Pesach rituals here.)

Because I didn't grow up observing such strict laws (when Passover came, we threw out the bagels for a week, 'nuff said) it's unlikely that I would incorporate the kitniyot avoidance into my Passover plans anytime soon (I make a mean green bean casserole for seder, yo.) It just seems subjective to me that my kid can't eat peas because a long time ago a rabbi didn't trust his flock to figure it out for themselves; I've never been so good at accepting "because I said so" as a reason for anything. I struggle with the kosher laws frequently — I recently questioned why chicken is considered fleishig and shouldn't be consumed with dairy, since I'm quite certain that chickens don't lactate. The answer I got was because the rabbis thought it might be mistaken for meat, so it was lumped into the meat category to protect us from making a bad decision. Rather than inspiring me to become more kosher (I don't eat piggies and separate milk and meat at home) it made me wonder how much of the observances I feel guilty about not keeping are interpretations (wise be they may) rather than actually handed down directly from Up High. With all due respect to those who do keep kosher (you know I admire you) and the rabbis who wrote the laws, it's not happening for me on the soul level. Not givin' up the peanut butter n' jelly matzah sammiches. Whoever heard of peanut flour anyway? I have a headache.

The point I'm attempting to make is that Kosher-for-Passover Coca-cola is made with actual sugar, not HCFS, and is therefore fine for those on the kitniyot train, but it's wicked hard to find if you're not in New York or Israel. But here's a tip Pelinke: Try shopping at a Mexican market or restaurant for Coke bottled south of the border, where they don't use the evil corn sweetener. The writing may be Spanish instead of Hebrew, but it's the real thing.

Me, I don't drink so much of the Coca, anyway. Unless it's got a splash or two of rum. Which, being made from sugar cane, appears to be perfectly kosher for Pesach.

Keep your daughter from playing with little whores

There's a new doll in town, and she's modest, intelligent and doesn't dress like your mom a skanky Mission tranny with rabies.

Gali Girls are Jewish, ya see, and represent the kind of values Jewish parents can get behind, like kindness, respect and tzedakeh. As opposed to other dolls found in today's toyboxes, which may (or, may not) lead to eating disorders, an affinity for cocaine and a stripping career.

Each Gali Girl comes with a Magen David bracelet for herself and her new owner and a 12-piece wooden Shabbat kit (instead of say, a mini-syringe and spoon) and there's a line of corresponding books that showcase wholesome and appropriate adventures. The only drawback to these shaynah maideles is that they're about three times as expensive as their slutty counterparts � but ya get what ya pay for, nu?

For a fabulous introduction to these little darlings, check out Shabot6000's animated ad � it's clever and cute without being cloying, as a nice Jewish girl should be. (I just noticed the Robot has linked to the Yenta � I'm quite honored.)

By My Bedside

You're probably thinking from the title that this is another sex toy post, but I'm talking about books, guttermuffin. It's Jewish Book Month, peeps!

While I've yet to read any of the following new publications, but I promise longer reviews if the author's publicists do their job and send me free copies:

J. weekly reporter Rachel Sarah has finally given birth to her memoir, Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates and Other Dispatches from the Dating World, and I'm damn excited about it. Rachel is preternaturally prolific for a motherwriter with her j. columns, her blog, her other postings all over the Web and now this book. Plus, she's one hot mama. Any Jewish single dads need reading material?

For those of us who prefer more pictures on the page, The Adventures of Rabbi Harvey by Steve Sheinkin promises to be a standout in the Jewish Western graphic novel genre. Told in comic strip format and deadpan one-liners, Rabbi Harvey tames the Wild West with Talmudic wisdom and lovingkindness. It's appropriate for all ages, and is available with a teacher's guide.

Then there's Jonny Geller's Yes, But Is It Good For The Jews?, a tongue-in-cheek tour of Jewish history and culture using a cockamamie mathematical formula called "Judology." Being only a basic bank-balancing math person myself, I'll have to do some studying to catch up. But like I trust the ancient rabbis to interpret for me, I'll take Geller's word that Prince Harry is not good for the Jews.

And while I never thought organ donation could be romantic, it looks like Joan Saltzman may change all that. Her book, Mr. Right and My Left Kidney, chronicles her path to late-in-life love and the sacrifice she made to keep it alive. Talk about being a "giver" in a relationship!

This week's feature on Jewish books from the j. proves I won't be the only one with a huge stack next to the bed this winter. Sorry, El Yenta Man � no time for nookie, it's bookworm season!

British Women Think David Schwimmer Is One Sexy Jew

...which elicited a sonorous "Ewwww!" from all the single women in the j. newsroom.

Rachel F. was particularly upset: "I don't care how nice he is! He's just not cute."

He's never done much for me, either � he always seems so needy, like the kind of guy who asks if his hair looks okay twenty times before he can go get a cup of coffee and who has more shoes than you � but compared to the rest of the guys on the list of Jewish celebs that British Jews would most like to date (with the exception of Sacha Baron Cohen), he's a sexpot. Woody Allen?? Paul Kaye?? Yo, ladies across the pond, what are you putting in your tea?

At least the men voted for some hotties, including Rachel Stevens and Caprice Bourret. And it's fabulous that Jewish mothers Gwyneth Paltrow and Rachel Weisz are objects of British male affection, but really fellows, they are married.

Hell, If It Weren't for the Stretchmarks, I'd Consider It

Cindy Margolis, the self-proclaimed "Most Downloaded Woman On the Internet" (I'm sure her mother is very proud), has announced her latest gig: posing nude in Playboy at the age of 40.

Whereas displaying her wares in the glossy men's magazine "would have been for gratuitous reasons" in the past, now is the perfect time for Cindy to get nakey: "It will be fun to go up against the 20-year-olds and show them that they don't have anything on me," she said.

She adds: "You're not dead just because you are married and have children." Huzzah, sista.

Now, I'm not a fan of nudie mags or of Cindy's (as I am unclear as to what her actual talents are � celebrity poker and cooking shows aside) but I like her spunk. There aren't many models (would you believe there's a wikipedia entry for Jewish American models?) who can push their career past 21, and any woman with three kids who can work it for Playboy ought to be lauded.

Sure, it's all about airbrushing and good plastic surgery. That's right � Cindy wasn't always the blonde, tiny-nosed bombshell you see before you; she was once just another Jewish girl trying to stand out in L.A.

Personally, I think she was cuter before her nose job, although the eyebrow-scaping is definitely a good call.

Not your typical Jewish Supermodel

Gorgeous Esti Mamo has more than enviable bone structure and amazing gams — she's got a social conscience. And she's gonna use it.

The 23-year-old Israeli is originally from Ethiopia and is using her fame and fortune to bring attention to the alienation many of her fellow Falash Mura feel upon immigrating to Israel.

From Loolwa Khazzoom's article:

Israeli officials acknowledge that Ethiopian immigrants have not integrated as quickly as other communities, blaming it on the cultural gap that these newcomers, who often come from poor villages in Africa, face in dealing with established Israeli society. Poverty, drug abuse and violence have stalked the Ethiopian immigrant community — because the community feels degraded in Israel, Mamo says.

She is unarguably the first Ethiopian Israeli supermodel, and says she tries to educate everyone she meets about her culture and people. Not only that, she may be responsible for the recent increase of modeling work for Israeli women of color.

And unlike other models, she has a plan for after the photography shoots, runway shows and fabulous parties come to an end and the crow's feet begin to show: “I’ll come back to Israel and run for Knesset.”

View Esti's portfolio here, but no slobbering, hear? Esti's a good girl.

Jack's Black Weekend

Spazalicious Jew Jack Black is likely enjoying the massive success of King Kong, but apparently had a hard time keeping control of himself while filming:

"There was a lost weekend where I had a little time off and I did some Ecstasy and I went on a kind of crazy rampage and I started smoking (again)," he told GQ magazine this month.

The article reports that Black has since quit the smokes and is on a "strict diet," which presumably does not include Ecstasy.

(As for the gorilla flick, also starring supersexy Adrian Brody in the leading man role: Haven't seen it 'cause the local movie theater's under water, but I heard it's killer. Anyone care to write a mini-review in the comments section?)